The nuance of pleasantries can undermine our intention
I was feeling weepy lately, and as I left the room to run some errands, I asked my boyfriend for a hug. I felt my body relax as he exhaled and we seemed to collapse into each other. A couple tears leaked from my closed eyes, and I was grateful for the warmth of that embrace.
On my errands, I stopped at a light and I reflected on that hug. Smiling, I pulled out my phone and texted him “Your hug felt so good. Thank you.”
“You are most welcome,” he texted in reply.
I suddenly felt deflated. Why was that tiny phrase so disappointing? I wanted a reciprocal “yes, you felt so soft and warm. I needed it too.” But the automatic pleasantry felt so hollow somehow.
I looked at the other message from that morning. My son had been issued warm weather uniforms for work and texted a picture of himself wearing it. I smiled, so happy his previously neglectful employer was finally hearing his requests. After being reprimanded for asking for tools and provisions, they were finally giving him overdue recognition for his work and the gear he needed to do his job.
My smile grew when I saw my boyfriend’s response to my son. “Awesome! It looks great!” He had returned the bid with such an enthusiastic sharing of my son’s victory.
“Thank you,” my son replied, and I could feel his proud smile through the text.
“You are most welcome.”
My smile disappeared. Why didn’t that fit? He said thank you and the proper response is you’re welcome, isn’t it? That was the proper thing we were trained to say since we were little. So why did it feel backhanded?
Context.
“You’re welcome” is a formality used in an exchange for service. You check out at the supermarket and clerk hands you change for your payment. You say “thank you for the change.” They say “you’re welcome.”
“You’re welcome” is a sincere way to express a pleasure for a kindness someone cannot easily repay. You have a flat tire and a stranger pulls over, takes out a spare from their own car and mounts it onto your vehicle. You try to hand him some money, but he shakes his head. You say “thank you so much,” and he smiles and says “you are most welcome.”
“You’re welcome” is the wrong response when you walk off the dance floor and tell your partner “thank you.” Instead, you say “thank you.” The pleasure is mutual.
“You’re welcome,” is not necessary when you give a person a compliment and their face beams as they say “thank you.” You simply delight in their joy.
So when my boyfriend said “you’re welcome” like a gentleman was supposed to, the gesture fell flat. Every time. The nuance of the practice felt disingenuous. The expression soured the kindness by assuming an air of superiority.
When I express my gratitude, no traditional etiquette is needed as the gesture of kindness speaks for itself. If saying nothing in return feels awkward, “my pleasure” is sometimes appropriate. But the best response is simply a smile.
Comentários