Using psychology terminology incorrectly creates a lot of distortion over healthy and unhealthy relationships. Misusing "trauma bond" has made people think connecting over shared similar hardships is bad while not recognizing the seriousness of a covert abusive dynamic.
There’s a widespread misunderstanding that trauma bonds are formed when two people connect over shared difficult experiences—like a tough childhood, divorce, or loss. While these shared experiences can create a sense of understanding, that is not a trauma bond. This misconception keeps people from seeing the truth about unhealthy, damaging relationships.
A trauma bond isn’t about mutual empathy for past struggles. It’s about being trapped in a cycle of love and harm within the relationship itself. And often, it’s not obvious. Trauma bonds can be rooted in subtle, covert behaviors like neglect, withheld love, or passive-aggressive actions. One moment, they make you feel safe and cherished; the next, they leave you feeling ignored, anxious, or unworthy. The inconsistency creates a powerful emotional addiction: the relief they give after the harm they caused feels like love, but it’s merely a bandaid covering deeper wounds.
When we romanticize the idea of trauma bonds as connection through shared pain, we obscure the reality of what they really are: dysfunctional and abusive cycles.
I didn’t know I was in a trauma bond. At the time, I was so disconnected from my own emotions, so unfamiliar with the patterns of inconsistency—the flakiness, the loving-and-running-away—that I couldn’t even begin to name what was happening. All I knew was the ache. I twisted myself into knots, trying to accommodate them, second-guessing how not to trigger their withdrawal, and begging for scraps of connection.
I couldn’t even articulate what I needed—I just knew I wasn’t getting it. Back then, I thought trauma bonds were only about Stockholm Syndrome. I thought abuse meant name-calling or physical violence. I didn’t realize neglect could be abuse. I didn’t understand that the subtle withdrawal of love, the emotional abandonment, was just as damaging as words or fists.
Nobody warned me that on-again, off-again relationships were a hallmark of dysfunction and emotional abuse. Nobody told me that a partner’s endless procrastination over a marriage proposal was a way of stringing me along. I was lost in the confusion and heartache, but I didn’t have the words or the knowledge to make sense of it.
It wasn’t until I started reading books and hearing other people’s stories that the pieces finally clicked. For the first time, I saw my experience for what it was: a trauma bond. It wasn’t love. It was a cycle of harm disguised as affection. I wish someone had told me sooner how serious it was.
To break free, the first step is recognizing you’re in a trauma bond. It often doesn’t feel like a dramatic rollercoaster—it can feel calm and loving at times, only to be followed by emotional abandonment. You’re left confused and anxious, constantly questioning their love and the future of the relationship. This subtle, relentless cycle keeps you second-guessing yourself and craving reassurance.
Awareness is the key to stepping out of this cycle. Ask yourself: Does this relationship bring genuine safety and stability, or am I always doubting my worth and their care for me? Recognizing these patterns is the first step to reclaiming your power and creating space for the kind of love you deserve—one built on mutual respect, safety, and true connection, not confusion and survival.
Comments