The night their dad died.
I kept hearing my daughter’s wail in my head, “Mom, he’s dead!”
My date to the party drove me home in silence. I stared out the window, watching the brilliant explosions in the night sky. Traffic was light since it was Showtime on Fourth of July, before the streets were packed with spectators going home. I looked at the speedometer as we crawled along the highway. Oddly, it read 80 mph.
Why had I gone to the party when I knew it was going to happen any day? Their dad was on hospice and they had removed the feeding tube. Was I just trying to distract myself from worrying about my kids over there? My date and I had just arrived at our friend’s house when my daughter called. I hadn’t even unbuckled my seatbelt when I knew what was coming.
“Grandma told me not to call you, but I don’t care. I can’t stand the not-talking anymore. Dad’s gone and I am done with them. They can go to hell for all I care.”
The car stopped at a red light. There was no cross traffic. No reason to pause. I cocked my head, watching my chauffer staring ahead at the stoplight. Feeling my gaze on him, he looked at me looking him. We sat there, the red light piercing down on us. A green firework flashed behind him in the distance. The traffic light changed as the muffled blast knocked quietly on his window. Minutes ticked and he didn’t move until I turned my head to the empty road ahead. And motion started again.
“Mom, he’s dead… I’m done with them.”
The road noise was loud in my ears. The fireworks crackled like a smoldering fire dying on the hearth. The magic sprinkle of light poked holes in the sky all around us as the car dragged on.
I don’t remember arriving at my house or getting into my own car to drive to the home where my ex husband laid dead. I only remember opening the front door to their mortuary, not bothering to knock as I knew no one would be there to greet me.
I found my kids in the corner bedroom, fidgeting. The two younger ones flew into my arms.
“Grandma said not to call you,” my girl seethed. “She said it’s Dad’s time to have us and you shouldn’t interfere. That’s bullshit.”
My estranged oldest son didn’t move, staring at the ground.
“He was sitting there next to me watching TV,” he said, his voice tinny. “I looked over and he was asleep. But he wasn’t sleeping. I don’t know how long he was gone. I missed it. I was right there and I missed it.” I touched his shoulder and he looked up, right through me.
Sound returned in a rush, the rattling of the box fan in the other room. The cat rubbed himself against my leg and meowed, the cat that never let anyone touch him. The summer heat was thick and irritation came back into my soul as I thought about my in-laws conserving money in every way they could. They didn’t even turn on the air conditioner with a dead body in the house.
As I entered the other bedroom, I saw the man who once adored me, reclined in his hospital bed. His eyes were closed but his mouth hung open, his blue lips slightly puckered like a fish. He was dressed only in his boxers, his skin pale and waxy. This man had dragged me through the courts of hell, but I was angry at his parents for exposing him so undignified. The elderly couple huddled on the other side of the room, Grandma’s eyes red rimmed.
“What was the time of death?” the coroner’s voice came from behind the body. He should have seemed out of place, but he stood there as my link to reality. The answer from Grandma’s mouth was the sound that didn’t fit.
Time moved at normal speed again and everything felt right. I peered at the caretakers and announced over the dead body that the kids were coming home with me tonight.
“From this day forward, you will speak to me directly, not through my kids,” I ordered. “Now that their father is dead, you have no more legal power over us. You will not text or call them behind my back. And if they agree to see you, I will accompany them as they have asked of me.”
The two stared at me and nodded, too stunned to reply.
As I loaded the kids’ belongings into the car, my eyes were drawn to the rebel firework popping overhead and I thanked God it was Independence Day for my family.
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