Motivation and Inspiration are often used interchangeably but they are very different energies.
It’s often said that motivation is what we need to get us going, while discipline is what gets us to the finish line when we lose momentum. But there’s an interesting ingredient in making the effort that is often overlooked: inspiration.
Motivation is dependent on a stimulus, often external and usually to relieve pain. This dependency is never fully satiated, compelling us to continually return to the source and avoid punishment, which translates into a pattern that is altogether unsustainable.
Inspiration originates from naturally understanding who we are, and as a byproduct, pushes us to achieve success from an internal and relatively infinite source. This desire propels us forward by the enjoyment of the process, not just for the end result.
However, humans are more apt to avoid pain than to pursue fulfillment.
I once felt there was an unequal distribution of labor in my household and I wished my husband would do more around the house. Asking him to do certain things on a honey-do list became a chore that both of us resented and he still did very little to contribute. I had been learning about boundaries and decided to tell him that I was no longer going to take out the trash, nor would I nag him to take it out. I figured that the piling garbage would motivate my husband to take it out.
This did not have the desired results. My husband dug in his heels and felt that he was being pressured into taking out the trash. I was trying to manipulate the circumstances to force the change. And all it did was make my husband feel ashamed of his lack of desire for cleanliness as well as resentful of being cornered into taking on a responsibility he did not want.
But what if my husband had complied? The motivation I created would have worked, right?
Well, when things got so bad in our marriage that I finally filed for divorce, he did start cleaning up after himself and contributing to the partnership in all sorts of ways, not just taking out the trash. It made me feel like he cared and he was becoming a more responsible adult. I was happy and started being more appreciative and kind to him. But it didn’t last, and six months later, all the ways my husband had changed reverted right back to the way he’d been before.
Why didn’t the change stick? Was he only doing it to make me happy? We have all heard that if someone does something just to make someone else happy, it doesn’t stick. But then why do some of us continue to do things we hate doing?
As a kid, I would dutifully take out the trash because that was what was expected. I had been trained to do it as an automatic habit to maintain good standing and approval. I was neither rewarded for it nor was I punished if I forgot to take out the trash. I was raised to be a disciplined, task-oriented human on auto-pilot and felt that everyone else should do the same to keep order. If everyone pitched in and did their part, everything would run smoothly. In my home growing up, it did.
So then why did my husband revert back? Because when he reached the end result, he didn’t need to continue. His motivation was to stop me from ending the relationship. Once the crisis was averted, he lost the motivation. It is not in itself a bad thing. But there is something much more lasting because it is grounded in values.
I personally enjoy organizing and cleaning for more than just the order it creates. I feel light and liberated when I am in a well-lit environment, free of clutter and noise. Even the act of preparing, purging, and cleaning is rejuvenating. I was not just motivated to escape filth and chaos but inspired to create a place where I could relax and expand.
When I meet a new dance student, my first question is always “why do you want to learn to dance?”
The most common answer I get from men is: “my girlfriend or wife loves to dance."
If I dig a little deeper, I find out “she dances with everyone else and I feel insecure and left out.”
Do you know how long those men continue taking dance lessons?
They usually quit after 3 lessons. Sure, there are a lot of things that get in the way. But the bottom line is that learning to dance is not a priority to them. It is a priority to the woman but not the man who was doing it in order to stop feeling bad.
Who sticks with dance the longest? The ones that say "I always wanted to learn to dance. It makes me come alive.”
Motivation pushes you while inspiration raises you. If discipline is what drives you to do things when you don’t want to when motivation wanes, inspiration is what makes you want to. Less discipline is needed to do something that inspires you.
Wayne Dyer famously said “motivation is when you get hold of an idea and carry it through to its conclusion. Inspiration is the reverse: an idea gets hold of you and carries you where you are intended to go.”
Motivation is a driving force from external factors. Sometimes it feels like it comes from within but it is still caused by an external factor, most often fear of something negative. We are looking for something outside of us to fix something inside of us, because we feel we lack it inside of us.
Many things can create that feeling of lack. We want to achieve something or get better at something because we don’t like where we are or we fear we will lose something if we don’t do it. Basically, motivation is a positive energy required to overpower a coexisting internal resistance; motivation is incoherent energy, working against something in order to overcome.
What makes you want to improve your relationship?
Motivational reasons would sound like this:
· I want my partner to stop ignoring me.
· I want to stop arguing with my partner all the time.
· I don’t want my partner to leave me.
· I don’t want to have to do everything myself anymore.
· I don’t want to feel so exhausted getting him to be real with me
· I want my partner to get off my back
· I want my partner to be happy so I can be happy
Inspirational reasons would sound like this:
· I want to create a safe place for us to share vulnerable things.
· I want to have constructive conflicts that end in repair
· I want to build a powerful team.
· I want to create passion between us.
· I want to know my partner by understanding what he’s going through.
· I want to feel confident to be myself with my partner
Our motivations may very well be out of integrity with what we deem inspiring. We may only come to know that it is out of alignment if we are willing to sit with ourselves and ask why we are choosing the things we do.
Alignment is what creates sustainability in our journeys.
Alignment is how we honor ourselves.
Alignment makes us feel inspired.
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